Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A moment of doubt

I'm feeling a little anxious tonight...well, really anxious as a matter of fact. I found out today that a midterm in a class where I've been floundering somewhat, did not have the expected good result. It's so frustrating to really, honestly try your best and then feel that all your work was for nothing. Even if I get a 100 on the next exam, I won't have a high enough grade to get credit (a B for those of us in graduate school). This is pretty mortifying because it's an undergraduate level class, in a subject where I considered myself well grounded until now.

I talked to my advisor and while I'm sure he isn't pleased, I can tell he doesn't think it's the end of the world. I'm grateful for that because I would be crushed if I thought he was disappointed in me. He encouraged me to go talk to the professor to see what I can do. I'm not sure it will help at this late date, and besides, this prof was described to me as "soulless" by a friend. (Ha ha.) But at least I can try to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

This is just the latest in a series of moments of FUD - fear, uncertainty and doubt. I know everyone has them but I seem to be especially plagued ever since I got to graduate school. I constantly question if this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Is this my real vocation? Am I really supposed to spend five more years in school? And after I get my degree...then what? God, is this how I'm supposed to be serving you? Would I be better off serving you in motherhood now instead of a few years down the road? How much can I really help people while ensconced in the ivory tower of academia?

One thing I do know: God, for some reason, never sends me those convenient lightning bolts to knock me off my high horse. His guidance to me is much subtler. I hardly ever recognize His handiwork until the moment has passed. I'm praying now for the courage to do His will...whatever that may be.

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